oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Four minutes until I can fart!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
