I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
