have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
