Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Randomize
