my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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