I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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