He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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