omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
