if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Even my vagina gasped.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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