Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
