let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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