So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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