I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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