I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
