If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize