i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
