you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
