Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
