I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
