Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
