before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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