I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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