I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
