i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
