Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
