if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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