apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
