He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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