i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
