the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
