Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
