If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
