My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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