roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
