Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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