She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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