you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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