i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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