She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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