so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
