At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
