It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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