two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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