Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Randomize
