My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
