Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
he had hair everywhere except his balls
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
