when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
