bring money and cleavage
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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