Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
