why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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