I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
