these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
