he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
