I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
