I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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