I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
