I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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