do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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