You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
