dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Sorry my hands just texted you
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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