apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
